Are you dating your Mum

Wed, 05/27/2009 - 21:19 —Rick

One would imagine that men who date women just like their mother have found to perfect solution to the eternal mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law war. After all, who wouldn’t love someone just like themselves? It doesn’t work like that, does it? So why do some men seem to always choose to date a girl who resembles their mother?

For one thing, the most important relationship through one’s critical years of development is with Mommy. For boys, this is the first and strongest bond with someone of the opposite sex. Mummy takes care of all our needs, loves us enough to think that we just might be God’s gift to mankind and most of all she is someone we can go to when life is tough. And who wouldn’t want to date someone who is not only caring and giving but also thinks that her boyfriend is THE BEST?

Jokes apart, men dating women who resemble their mother in physical and personality traits is a well researched fact. A study published in September 2008, by Tamas Bereczkei et al. in Hungary (Proceedings of the Royal Society B; DOI: 10.1098/rspb.2008.1021), shows that a significantly large percentage of men tend to date and marry women who physically resemble their mother. Another research published in May 2008, by Christine Whelan of the University of Iowa (University of Iowa Health Sciences; 2008, May 7), goes a step further to demonstrate that 80% of high achieving men (those in the top 10% earnings bracket) married women with the same educational qualifications as their mother.

Of course, men dating women like their mother is not a new concept. Who among us hasn’t heard of the great Sigmund Freud and his much talked about (and today much joked about) Oedipal Complex. Poor Oedipus might have been lost in the annals of history for most of us had Freud not dug him up to show that men tend to develop sexual feelings towards their mother during specific stages of development.

The study by Bereczkei suggested that the reason for men gravitating towards women who resemble their mother is sexual imprinting. This is a well documented process in the animal kingdom, although an increasing number of studies are now hinting at the presence of a similar impact in humans as well. Sexual imprinting is a process by which young animals learn species-specific characteristics or the preferred traits of a desired mate.

So, preferring someone who looks like Mum or reminds you of her does not necessarily point towards the existence of some deep seated dysfunction or childhood trauma. On the other hand, it is always useful to understand the reasons behind one’s preferences and talking to a counselor might be one way to discover the underlying issues that lead some men to date women like their mothers. If the reasons are based in stressful childhood experiences or are artifacts of a troublesome relationship, the persisting impact of such experiences and relationships can easily be resolved through counseling.

The bottom line is that dating women who resemble one’s mother could be a part of speciation (Irwin & Price 1999), and even if it is due to psychological issues there is an easy solution. So, don’t let it come in the way of finding companionship and even true love.